One Day in the Life of Isiah Thomas
I promised myself I wouldn’t think too much about the man after he was fired, but this piece of satire from Russ Bengston on slamonline.com was just too good not to post.
Last week, Russian author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn passed away at the age of 89. His most
well-known works, The Gulag Archipelago and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, exposed many to the grim life of inmates in mid-20th century Soviet labor camps. For a time, Solzhenitsyn was one of them.
While I have never spent any time in a Soviet labor camp (and given the dissolution of the Soviet Union I never will—score!), I did attend a preposterous number of Knicks games during the Isiah Thomas era. Like Mr. Solzhenitsyn, I endured my share of suffering. And like Mr. Solzhenitsyn, I choose to purge those memories through writing.
Isiah has been out of the news lately, deposed but not forgotten. We can merely speculate—or in this case fantasize—about his day-to-day activities. So with apologies to the late Mr. Solzhenitsyn, I present One Day in the Life of Isiah Thomas:
9:14 a.m. Alarm goes off.
9:17 a.m. Hits snooze.
9:27 a.m. Alarm goes off.
9:29 a.m. Gets up.
9:33 a.m. Places blocked call to Marbury residence. Gets machine. Adopts high-pitched voice. “Hey Steph, nice head tattoo. Is that your IQ?” Hangs up. Giggles.
9:36 a.m. Takes shower.
9:43 a.m. Makes breakfast.
9:44 a.m. Ruins breakfast.
9:45 a.m. Sexually harasses toaster.
10:06 a.m. Falls asleep on couch.
10:27 a.m. Dreams of trading Eddy Curry, David Lee, Wilson Chandler and eight first-round picks for Shaquille O’Neal, Boris Diaw and Steve Nash. Phone hand twitches.
Rest of day here.
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